It seemed nothing was going in my favor that day. I felt defeated, lost, and couldn’t see God in anything. I found myself complaining about the things I didn’t have. Telling God how sick and tired I was of being sick and tired because I lost the things I once had.
Bitterness began to set in. I started reflecting on things from my past and began to blame others for my plight just because nothing that day seemed to be turning out right. It was not until I was reminded of Job and in some way, felt the same as he did and began comparing myself to him. Even though I managed to leave out some things, I realized Job was a great example to follow.
Job lost everything. His family and possessions. He was at a crossroad in his faith. He started complaining. He allowed his desire to understand why he was suffering overwhelm him, causing him to question God. Yet he remained faithful, had patience, and endurance. He could have either cursed God and gave up. But he didn’t. He trusted God and drew from his strength to continue. He didn’t give up on God. He worshipped God alone.
He may have questioned God and was not sure why he was suffering because he clearly felt he did not do anything to deserve such punishment. As did I. I questioned “Why me?” “Why me God?” You know the things I need and don’t have. Why am I struggling?
I told him, something changed. I find that the things I used to love doing and looked forward to every day are now becoming extinct. Does that mean I’m growing? I’ve become bored with what used to bring me joy and feel it’s time to move on to something bigger and better. Does it mean you are calling me God to move to the next level? See, I don’t know and now I find I’m truly uncomfortable. I’m struggling.
At times I feel I don’t have strength to do what has been so simple for me. Yet I’m no longer satisfied with just doing something. I desire to do more with the gifts God has given me. Pray for me. It’s not that I don’t want to keep doing what I do. It’s just that I want to do something more than what I’m doing.
I had to get myself together and collect my thoughts. I rose out of bed. I sat on the edge as I began to talk to God and express my frustration and fears. I told him about the things I’m struggling with. And as I’m talking something came to me. God revealed something incredible to me.
And I said to him, “Why not take me through trials and tribulations, almost to the point of death and desperation. That I may lose myself until I find hope in you God. I don’t ask why me but why not me? Why not use me Lord? Let your will, not my will, be done. I come to you with open arms. Use me Lord!”
God said to me “Dear child, I have seen your efforts and know how much you are trying to grow and do the work of the Lord but you cannot do this alone. Don’t worry. Help is on the way. I’m going to send you a blessing that will guide you in this journey.”
I realized no matter how much I read the word, study, and meditate, there was something missing in my walk. I began to repent and confess my wrongs to God. I knew in the end this would shape me for service to others.
John 14:16 tells me, “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever.” This assures me the Holy Spirit is on my side. It is working for and with me. I will live as God wants and build God’s kingdom.
I will never stop spreading words of encouragement, inspiration, or the love of God. I just feel deep inside I need to be doing more. Pray for me as I pray for myself. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts (Psalm 139:23).
Search for sin and please point out things I’m not doing right. Show me any and all wrong motives that may be behind the things I’m feeling. When you show me what I’ve done, I will repent and seek forgiveness. I will walk in your ways. I am forgiven.
There’s a struggle inside each of us. There’s someone fighting a battle somewhere much harder than any of us. Pray. God will keep watch over us.
Every day I have to ask God for forgiveness. I admit I’m not a saint. I’m a sinner. At times, I wrestle with my flesh. And don’t get it right in the beginning. I won’t say a word. It’s for the good. I watch, I listen, then take it to God. I put it in his hands. I don’t have to do a thing. I leave it up to Him.
Be blessed! -JD
Colossians 3:1-4 “1 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” (ESV)