Please forgive me for this long unusual post. I have lots of questions and I need some answers. Have you ever had a conversation like this with God? Having a pity party? Do you ever find yourself so angry you don’t know what to do? You’re angry at the world and at God because of what you keep going through? You shout out and ask, “God what do you want from me!!??”
People keep talking bad about and saying mean things to me. They expect me to be perfect because I’m a Christian. They expect me to take charge just because I’m a mother. Shoot, I’m doing my best on top of having to deal with my own personal struggles. They expect me to be normal when my “once normal” is no longer normal. They expect me to do the right thing when I don’t want to. I don’t feel like being humble. I don’t want to please people or listen to the lies they keep filling in my head. I just want the voices in my head to go away.
Why is it I feel I am always the one that need to live up to everyone else expectations? What about my expectations? Why must I be the only one that have to live up to the expectations of others simply because I’m a Christian? What about me? What about my feelings? Do you ever think about all the stuff I’ve been through? Have you ever considered the pain, devastation, confusion, stress I’ve endured? How can you be so selfish? I put on airs. You don’t have a clue. Do you ever think about how things are affecting me? You don’t know what I am going through.
Why do I always have to be a priority for others but when I need them to be a priority for me they keep finding excuses and blame things on me? Isn’t accountability a two-way street? What happened to do unto others as you would have them do unto me? Why does it seem like I am the only one trying to do the right thing but the minute I want to do the wrong thing, in the eyes of others it’s the wrong thing. Can’t people just let me be? Why does it feel like everyone is always picking on me?
Since no one else seems to be listening to what I have to say in my own defense, God I have to tell it to you because I know you’re always listening. I’m not even sick and tired of being sick and tired anymore. I’m just sick and tired. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I just want to go with the flow and hope it works like it seems to be working for everyone else. Wouldn’t it be easier to just be my old self? No….I already know. I can’t because I’m a peculiar person. I’ve been picked out to be picked on. Devil please leave me alone!
God, the devil is trying his best to convince me that I made the wrong choice when I gave my life to you. He’s trying to make me believe the wrong thing is the right thing I want to do. He keep asking me, “Why did you choose to be a Christian? From what I can tell you ain’t winning?” Every day I have to fight against his lies. Sometimes even though I know it’s not the truth, I feel like he may know what he’s talking about. He keeps coming at me because he knows I’m a Christian. I know who I belong to. The devil is a lie and the truth ain’t in him! Go seek dry places!
Lord, please forgive me. I feel like I keep failing you. In the eyes of so many people, I am not right no matter what I do. They keep judging me. They keep trying to make me miss my blessing. I hurt. My heart aches. I’m in so much pain. I’m not like Jesus where I can put aside my fears and forgive quickly. I know there is no excuse for me saying this, but since you already know what I’m thinking I can’t help but to be honest. I am human. I’m fallible. My heart is broken in pieces. It’s so shattered I can’t even find many of the pieces. How am I going to put it back together when I can’t get together myself?
I know this is not about me. This is all about you. No matter what I see, I MUST give glory to you. God, I am trying. I feel lost. I can’t stop the tears falling from my eyes. I feel this life is too hard. How many times must I keep losing my way? How many times must I humble myself when people keep hurting me? At times I can’t see you in anything? God, I have to release this so I can feel better. I don’t like this feeling. I know this will not be like this forever….but.
Don’t I get a chance to feel some type of way when people abuse me, persecute me, lie on me, and misjudge me? Am I supposed to accept everything people do to me just because of who I am? Just because I’m a Christian? Even Jesus cried out to You about the ninth hour in a loud voice and said, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?” – which means, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). Even though he knew for certain he was innocent.He had done nothing wrong to lose the favor of God. Yet you still loved your own Son. I feel the same way. And I know you love me. This is the first-time I have ever done this. I never give away my secrets. Exposing myself before the world. I feel so naked. I’m not ashamed. Somebody needs to hear this.
Like Jesus, this was my deepest expression of anguish I felt that caused me to be separated from you, my Father. And I felt horrible. But I am so thankful Jesus suffered in my place so that I would never experience eternal separation from You. Isaiah 53:4-5 tells us, “he bore our bore our griefs and carried our sorrows; that he was wounded for our transgressions, and bruised for our iniquities; that the chastisement of our peace was laid upon him; that by his stripes we are healed.”
Jesus died in our place, on our own account, that he might bring us near to God. Yes, even Jesus expressed His feelings of abandonment as God placed the sins of the world on Him. And because of that had to “turn away” from Jesus. It was the only time in all of eternity he was experiencing separation from God. Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us (Galatians 3:13).
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. I feel better. I had to tell it. Something tells me I’m in the final stages of delivery. My God, I feel the birthing pains before delivery. People can treat me and do to me what they want to. I will do what you say in your Word to do, “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28).
Lord, I may not understand but accept why Jesus felt the way he did. I may get discouraged and feel like I’ve lost the battle. I refuse to curse my situation. The battle is not mine, it’s the Lord. Devil, you came to destroy. I’m not having it! I am a child of God. You can’t steal my joy!
It won’t always be like this. I trust God-believing in his provision. I will live by his power every day. That I may break the cycle of failure. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget what a person has done. It means you choose not to be reminded of the hurt in order to move forward.
Be blessed! -JD
Matthew 18:21-22 “Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (ESV)